Noel Coward Quotes

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)

Not everyone can be as successful a performer as myself, who gave 10 great performances the first time I ever did comedy, and then toiled in obscurity for years.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

It's hard to go back and be constantly funny.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I opened the show with this line: "I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that's tomorrow night.

You ask my advice about acting? Speak clearly, don't bump into the furniture and if you must have motivation, think of your pay packet on Friday.

I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

[On Katharine Hepburn's stage performance:] She ran the whole gamut of emotions, from A to B.

Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

Built God a church and laughed His word to scorn.

When asked to make the formal declaration that I did not intend to overthrow the Constitution of the United States, I was fool enough to reply that I had no such purpose, but that were I to do it by mistake I should be inexpressibly contrite.

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

I was always sort of a ham as a kid, just always wanting to entertain and to get people to laugh.

We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.

God will forgive me. It's his job." Heine said this on his deathbed (1856). Hilarious. He must have thought that up years before and counted the seconds to use it.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)