Craig Ferguson Quotes

My family [old-line Nebraska Republicans] can't figure out which is worse, being a Democrat or being an attorney.

In college, I was a fiercely committed Democrat - a meeting with Jack Kemp, then Secretary of the Department of Housing and Urban Development, challenged my blind partisanship.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I never saw anything funnier than Texas politics.

People have a right to be a Democrat. People have a right to be wrong. I know they're the same thing.

I'm not really a Democrat or a Republican, but I don't like rhetoric.

I've done work for both Democrats and Republicans.

I'm a Republican. I don't want to go to heaven and have to face my family up there and tell them I voted for a Democrat.

A bureaucrat is a Democrat who has a job some Republican wants.

May you be as rich as a Republican and have the sex life of a Democrat.

I suppose we could say of Gen. Cameron that he is not Democrat enough to hurt him.

One of the consolations of having orthodox, fundamental religion is that it provides a hot Hell for the Texas Legislature.

The district attorney carries the courthouse. Whatever party the district attorney belongs to, will also be the party of the judges. The judges do not go up against the district attorney. At least that’s the way it is in Texas.

Democrats generally do not miss an opportunity to miss an opportunity.

With all due respect to Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, neither of them understand Texas, nor do they understand the U.S.-Mexico border.

There's no question about the fact that for Democrats, Texas is a tough place.

I don't think we are comforted by the fact that we were told there would never be a case of Ebola in the United States and obviously that's not correct.

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, 'I've got a really bad idea.' And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, 'And I can make it sh*ttier.'

Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'

If you vote for Democrats, you might as well give Al Quaeda a death ray and a manual.

As far as being a Republican is concerned, I come from a place, New York City, which is virtually, I mean, it is almost exclusively Democrat. And I have really started to see some of the negatives - as an example, and I have a lot of liking for this man, but the last number of months of his brother's administration were a catastrophe. And unfortunately, those few months gave us President Obama. And you can't be happy about that.

Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

The U.S. must immediately stop all flights from EBOLA infected countries or the plague will start and spread inside our borders. Act fast!

There's not a single Democrat here. It's almost like CPAC invited Benjamin Netanyahu to speak. Well, we could have had Hillary here, but we couldn't find a foreign nation to foot the bill.

There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.