Chelsea Handler Quotes

Aren't women prudes if they don't and prostitutes if they do?

I'm not one to sit here and judge here. But I think it's funny that the people that condemn the adult industry the most are the ones consuming the product the most.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.

Beulah has a husband?' I know. It's a miracle. There can't be more than two people on the planet who'd be willing to sleep with her, and here we are both in the same town.

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'

When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he is looking. If he is looking at my eyes, he is looking for intelligence. If he is looking at my mouth, he is looking for wisdom. But if he is looking anywhere else except my chest he's looking for another man.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.

On one occasion some one put a very little wine into a [glass], and said that it was sixteen years old. 'It is very small for its age,' said Gnathaena.

"And we'll call you... hmmm. Pudge." "Huh?" "Pudge," the Colonel said. "Because you're skinny. It's called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let's go get some cigarettes and start this year off right."

George Burns, what a man. He read in the paper that it takes ten dollars a year to support a kid in India. So he sent his kids there.

If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.

And believe it or not, she has a phone and everything. She stopped using smoking signals last year.

It's not really a shorter skirt, I just have longer legs

I never waited 27 years, because 27 years ago I was just born. My parents never told me, 'If you don't win Roland Garros we take you to the orphanage.

When you say ‘old friend,’ are we talking, like...since the Ice Age?” “No. Of course not.” “Oh.” “It’s only been about four hundred years.” “Ah. Yes. Only four hundred.” A wry expression spread over his face. “Being with you is a continual experiment in perspective. Among other things.

I don't like the Pippa Middleton's face. She should only show her back.

MEN, Charlene said. Leave that to you! Willa quipped.

You work hard making independent films for fourteen years and you get voted best breasts.

I look at Woody Allen's prolific career of 30 or 40 films, and I'm watching the clock. I'd love to work at a clip of a film a year. We don't get the benefit of the doubt, particularly black women. We're presumed incompetent, whereas a white male is assumed competent until proven otherwise. They just think the guy in the ball hat and the T-shirt over the thermal has got it, whether he's got it or not. For buzzy first films by a white male, the trajectory is a 90-degree angle. For us, it's a 30-degree angle.

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

Just looking at all the faces here reminds me of some of the great work that was done this year . . . by cosmetic surgeons.