Herbert Beerbohm Tree Quotes

Men are only as loyal as their options.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?

What you do with it and things like that, but I basically chose this after I read it because I thought it was different and funny and unique and dark - things that I like to do.

Jon Stewart hires people that he thinks are funny. That's it. That's the only requirement.

Life's a pitch, then you buy.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

To be or not to be. That's not really a question.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

For me, it's always easy to choose between the Ultimate, the Infinite, and the Chocolate.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

Don't buy the toys that make the noise!

Well, I'm sold. I'll take one America.

The comic spirit is given to us in order that we may analyze, weigh, and clarify things in us which nettle us, or which we are outgrowing, or trying to reshape

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?