W. C. Fields Quotes

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Every American, I think, should be able to fill out their taxes on a postcard.

I just put on what the lady says. I've been married three times, so I've had lots of supervision.

Don't you dare print my first name. That would make me sound like a real country girl.

I really don't know what it is. He is at home doing the breakfast dishes so that his wife can attend this meeting.

I do not give my husband advice because he doesn’t need it.

Every girl should be married at least once in her life. It's a must. Because once you have been married, you are a Mrs., and even if the marriage doesn't work out, they can't take that away from you.

I constantly catch myself saying, 'My fiancee, Linda. Wait no - wife.'

Fergie's married. I'm married. A lot of the band members have families as well.

But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn't read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female celibacy, and was guilty of other glaring pious frauds.

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

The nineteenth-century wave of feminism was started by older women who had been through the radicalizing experience of getting married and becoming the legal chattel of their husbands (or the equally radicalizing experience of not getting married and being treated as spinsters).

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

Very unfortunately, she had no husband. She had never had a husband, and therefore did not kill a husband.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

The others were only my wives. But you, my dear, will be my widow.

No husband will ever be better avenged than by his wife's lover.

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

[When asked if her husband was still living:] It's a matter of opinion.

I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.

In private I'm not. You will have to ask my wife. She maintains I'm a fluffy husband.