Groucho Marx Quotes

When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy.

Eaton has just married his mistress—and the mistress of eleven dozen others!

I could never be with a married man. I just can't. I could never imagine myself being the mistress of somebody.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I am not going to speculate about the emotions that might be involved in avian infidelity.

My attitude toward men who mess around is simple: If you find 'em, kill 'em.

We must admit that it is quite common that people do have affairs with their leading ladies and men.

I think it's quite normal for people to have love affairs.

Next to the pleasure of finding a new mistress is that of being rid of an old one.

Polygamy is needed to prevent a man from taking up a lover, which can cause health issues and rifts in the family and would lead him to live a lie, constantly deceiving his wife and children.

If you see a man kiss me, I better be in my casket.

No woman has ever come up to me and said that my husband was having an affair with her.

It is comparatively easy to leave a mistress, but very hard to be left by one.

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out about the mistress. So it all balances out.

In love deceit almost always outstrips distrust.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

No husband will ever be better avenged than by his wife's lover.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

One wife is too much for most husbands to bear, But two at a time there's no mortal can bear.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.

one tends to suspect others of what one is guilty of oneself. The unfaithful wife is quick to suspect the husband of infidelity.

If my husband cheated on me and embarrassed me like that, I will embarrass him more than he could ever imagine.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.