Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Let me tell about Tennessee. If your car breaks down in Tennessee, you have just moved to Tennessee.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

My first car was, as depicted in 'Sleepwalk with Me,' my mother's '92 Volvo station wagon that had 80,000 miles on it, and I had put 40,000 miles on it, so by the time it retired it had 120,000, and I basically killed it. It served me well, and my mechanic was always very angry with me because I just didn't properly care for it.

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I do think there's something funny about being over-optimistic.

I think what's hysterically funny is a guy who sets himself up as the most confident, everything's-perfect, know-it-all, things-are-swell human being and then gets wiped out every time.

Now I'm a scientific expert; that means I know nothing about absolutely everything.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Most men think they are good drivers. Most women think they are good in bed. They aren't.

If you let your head get too big, it'll break your neck.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.