W. C. Fields Quotes

After a moment, he turned sharply to me. 'Are you quite all right?' 'Yes, perfectly. Why do you ask?' 'Because I have just called you contrary and you did not bother to contradict me. I thought you might be ill.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I never gossip. I observe. And then relay my observations to practically everyone.

We are suffering from too much sarcasm.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn't send one.

Hey, you must be doin' good, 'cause I never hear from you.

People say conversation is a lost art; how often I have wished it were.

Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own.

Democracy! Bah! When I hear that word I reach for my feather Boa!

The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it.

From an early age onward, it was said that 'Ingmar has no sense of humor.'

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. And if you do have to say it, make it really funny so I can screenshot it and save it for later.

I told the Mucinex people, 'You picked me because I always sound sick'. They were like, 'Well, it doesn't hurt'.

I look at people, and I like to laugh at them.

I see the absurdity in things, and I think it's my job to point it out.

I don't think people understand what comedy is supposed to do. We will observe things, we will make fun of things.

I knew a man once who told me that I smiled at the wrong things." "Do you? "Only by the light of those who smile at nothing.

In general satire, every man perceives A slight attack, yet neither fears nor grieves.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint.

Allow me to congratulate you on your very astute powers of observation.

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.

You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.

What have the Romans ever done for us?