Mitch Hedberg Quotes

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.

I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.

I like humor.

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I like to think my sense of humor is sort of smart and dumb at the same time. I like to work on multiple levels - smart and dumb, funny and sad, profound and mundane, cynical and hopeful.

I don't say things to be offensive; I say things because they're funny to me. It amuses me.

There's an art to stupid comedy. There's an art to offensive comedy, and I think the key is it's just gotta make you laugh.

For some reason, people find me funny. It's quite hard to define why a thought is funny. It's even harder to define why a person would be funny. It's a word that I can't define at all. But whether I know quite what it is or not, I seem to be it.

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.

Whether it's an innate ability or an acquired way of regarding the world around us, being labeled as funny can only be accepted as a compliment.

I value comedy. I value somebody who can be funny.

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.

You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Bob Dole used to be really funny. Barney Frank can be kind of funny. Bob Kerrey has a good sense of humor.

If I can't see the humor in it, how am I going to be funny?

A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious!

There is a universality to comedy.

As long as it's funny, there's no such thing as too far.

I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.