Chelsea Handler Quotes

I've never even come close to having a one-night stand.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.

A lot of girls walk this earth telling people they've slept with me. And a lot of them did. But I don't remember 95 percent of them.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

Nay," cried Bingley, "this is too much, to remember at night all the foolish things that were said in the morning.

You never forget people who make you laugh.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.

It is always the nights you cannot remember that eventually become the stories you don’t forget.

One of the Georges - I forget which - once said that a certain number of hours´ sleep each night - I cannot recall at the moment how many - made a man something which for the time being has slipped my memory.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

Don't you know that you're nothing more than a one night stand?

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

This was the way the night had cashed in. Choices had been made and things happened, and here we were. It was sad, and funny. My life was made of this. Stuff like this.

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

Fading, with the Night, the memory of a dead love, and the withered leaves of a blighted hope, and the sickly repinings and moody regrets that numb the best energies of the soul: and rising, broadening, rolling upward like a living flood, the manly resolve, and the dauntless will, and the heavenward gaze of faith-the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen!

Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.

I guess nothing puts a damper on a one-night stand as much as your friend pointing out all the opportunities where you might have been killed.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.