Chelsea Handler Quotes

Anyone can sleep with a guy in 24-48 hours, but you're sending the wrong signal to the guy if you do that.

You've got to quit lowering your standards. Set your requirements up front so when a guy hooks you, he has to know this is business.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

When I was meeting people in L.A., guys always thought if they paid for dinner, they deserved a blow job. But generally, I'll say this - and I'll say it proudly - I can't sleep with someone if I don't have a connection with them.

I do feel like guys feel pressure to be funny with me, which is kind of annoying. It's a turn-off if someone's trying hard to be funny because it feels like they're auditioning for a comedy job or something. It doesn't feel romantic to me. I get so much comedy from my life that, from a guy, I'm more looking for something sweet or romantic.

Justin Timberlake is everything, and what more could you want in a person? He's funny. He's cute. He's great. He just understands. I get him and he gets me, and that's cool.

One night stands are not for me. I think it's gross when you just give it up.

Virginity is such a personal thing. You can't judge anyone on it. A lot of young women feel they want to save themselves for the man who they think they'll love forever.

I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

I think there are just as many assholes meeting the old-fashioned way as there are meeting in the new hookup culture.

I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.

Who do you have to sleep with to get laid in this town?

As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

I don't like to joke about dating.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh . . . like uh . . . like . . . uh . . . well, I'll think of it later.

I'm a bit of a tease. I'd make out with a lot of people but not go beyond that.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Eleanor,” he said, just because he liked saying it, “why do you like me?” “I don’t like you.” He waited. And waited… Then he started to laugh. “You’re kind of mean,” he said. “Don’t laugh. It just encourages me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

I’m sorry you asked me out, otherwise maybe I could have liked you.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.