Eugene Mirman Quotes

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

The issue is privacy. Why is the decision by a woman to sleep with a man she has just met in a bar a private one, and the decision to sleep with the same man for $100 subject to criminal penalties?

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I did not think we were as low as this! One member suggested that it should be reduced to ten, and oh my God, that it was hard for a man having a charge brought against him not to be able to plead the consent of a child like that.

Go out and ask her into the alley.” Clay looked at Jeremy as if he’d just been told to dance the rumba on a public thoroughfare. I bit back a laugh. “Just walk over to her and point at the alley. Maybe say…I don’t know…something like ‘fifty bucks.’ ” I looked at Jeremy. “Does that sound right? Fifty?” His brows shot up. “Why are you asking me?” “I wasn’t—I just meant, as a general…” I threw up my hands. “How am I supposed to know how much a hooker costs?

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I've always been fascinated with the idea of people paying for sex and what goes on with that and why that happens.

Let's just say that back in the old days, sex was available every two feet. But I never made love to anybody that did not want me to.

Straight men who visit prostitutes are valiantly striving to keep sex free from emotion, duty, family--in other words, from society, religion, and procreative Mother Nature.

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

I'm not looking to get married or anything like that. I'm just a john now. I'm going to be paying for sex for the rest of my life.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

I'm not a prostitute but I can give you what you want

Women on the streets want money when we meet. I take them for a little ride, chop, chop, chop.

Many of my lyrics are about having sex with prostitutes.

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

The data don't lie: a Chicago street prostitute is more likely to have sex with a cop than to be arrested by one.

As long as society tells men to be the salespersons of sex, it is sexist for society to put only men in jail if they sell well. We don't put other salespersons in jail for buying clients drinks and successfully transforming a "no" into a "maybe" into a "yes." If the client makes a choice to drink too much and the "yes" turns out to be a bad decision, it is the client who gets fired, not the salesperson.

How is it that we have sodomy protected under that due process but prostitution unprotected? It's schizophrenic.

There are certain things that words on paper can never make a crime, .. There are certain acts that by sheer common sense are not crimes.

The only difference between them and my girls is that my girls gave a man his money's worth.

I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the afternoon, but I cannot understand the love affair.

Men will pay large sums to whores for telling them they are not bores.