Emo Philips Quotes

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

All the religions are super funny to me.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

I have a very dark sense of humor. I swear. I have a very playful relationship with Jesus.

I do like dating cynics - they tend to be incredibly funny.

Comedy is only funny when there's real pain.

Some of the finest comedies have chosen the Church as its subject and would indeed make most Christians laugh, give or take the occasional wince as a barb goes home. I have very fond memories of 'Our Man at St Marks' and long for the day when it is released on DVD but I won't hold my breath.

I think all good drama is funny. All the best drama is ultimately very funny. Life is funny. You can't have any honest treatise on life without bumping into some humor.

I like really bad puns - proper, red-top, nasty puns - I find them funny.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup. That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup — that's it.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Coffee is the highlight of my day. After coffee everything is downhill.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."