NEIL SIMON

Sports is the only entertainment where, no matter how many times you go back, you never know the ending.

Money brings some happiness. But after a certain point, it just brings more money.

If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven't been born yet.

New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.

You must realize that honorary degrees are given generally to people whose SAT scores were too low to get them into schools the regular way. As a matter of fact, it was my SAT scores that led me into my present vocation in life, comedy.

If no one ever took risks, Michaelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

I love living. I have some problems with my life, but living is the best thing they've come up with so far.

Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week. The rest doesn't count.

Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you'll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.

Everyone thinks they can write a play; you just write down what happened to you. But the art of it is drawing from all the moments of your life.

Nathan Lane always wanted to play Oscar. When he came in the first day, he already knew his lines. He said he'd known them since he was 18.

People with honorary awards are looked upon with disfavor. Would you let an honorary mechanic fix your brand-new Mercedes?

He's too nervous to kill himself. He wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement...Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can't have everything.

Goldie Hawn is funny, sexy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, warm, and consistently sunny. Other than that, she doesn't impress me at all.

I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. Its either very new cheese or very old meat. - Oscar Madison, from The Odd Couple

I was constantly being dragged out of movies for laughing too loud.

I don't use computers... I'm someone who needs to see the page right away in my hand.

I never write a play with an eye to film.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

A lot of your personality is formed before you're 12, obviously, but only a few of my plays use characters from my childhood. The more mature plays are affected only by my adult experiences.

I much prefer writing an original movie with the screen in mind to transferring a play to the screen.

Rewriting is when writing really gets to be fun. . . . In baseball you only get three swings and you're out. In rewriting, you get almost as many swings as you want and you know, sooner or later, you'll hit the ball.

Writing is an escape from a world that crowds me. I like being alone in a room. It's almost a form of meditation- an investigation of my own life.