Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

I do like dating cynics - they tend to be incredibly funny.

Comedy is only funny when there's real pain.

I think all good drama is funny. All the best drama is ultimately very funny. Life is funny. You can't have any honest treatise on life without bumping into some humor.

I like really bad puns - proper, red-top, nasty puns - I find them funny.

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

Vending Machine: "This product has no known nutritional value and may cause irritability or wakefulness in some individuals. Please enjoy your selection and your day." Eve: "Up yours.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

I go "I just want a cup of black coffee." She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great.