P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

There warn't anybody at the church, except maybe a hog or two, for there warn't any lock on the door, and hogs likes a puncheon floor in summer-time because it's cool. If you notice, most folks don't go to church only when they've got to; but a hog is different.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.

I happen to be a devout atheist. I don't believe in God. I still go to church -- I'm not a heathen. I go to an atheist church. We have crippled guys who stand up and testify that they were crippled, and they still are.

It's really important to me to go to church, which is sometimes tough when I get back from road trips late on Saturday night, but I try to make it a priority to go every week.

Canadians can be funny.

"Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting."

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I go to church every Sunday. I've always been a believer. I love singing. I don't have the best voice - I just love getting my emotions out.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

I think my general disposition on life is finding what's funny about it. When something happens, the first thing in my mind is, "What's funny about it?"

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

"She's a very charming and delightful creature," quoth Mr. Robert Sawyer, in reply; "and has only one fault that I know of, Ben. It happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste. She don't like me."

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

I have church on Sunday.” “Of course you do.” “You’re welcome to come along.” “Thanks, but I’m allergic to incense.” “That’s a shame.” “It’s the bane of my existence.” - Beth and Jake

I never thought of that before! It's my opinion that you never think at all.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake." "Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.' 'And yet it is still extremely funny.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.