Medical Humor Quotes

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

HOMŒOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

Thank you for explaining that my eye cancer isn't going to make me deaf. I feel so fortunate that an intellectual giant like yourself would deign to operate on me.

HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said,'Cough'

I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I learned a long time ago that minor surgery is when they do operation on someone else, not you.

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

If you look at American medical fiction written by doctors, like 'The House of God' by Samuel Shem and 'The Blood of Strangers' by Frank Huyler, both have themes of cynicism and dysfunction running through them that you won't find in 'ER.' You find it in 'Scrubs,' but because that's a comedy, it gets away with it.

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

I got a flue shot and now my chimney works perfectly.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

I have to be the only person in America who had a doctor say to him, 'Please don't put any more surgical gloves on your head and inflate them.'

[On acupuncture:] The needles are small and won't hurt at all. In fact, they'll feel good. Ha, ha! Just kidding. They feel like needles. Because they are.

My dad was a doctor, and he would tell us a lot of nasty, funny stories from the hospital. It was funny to me when I'd go over to other people's houses and they didn't talk about intestines at the table.

The first time the doctors put on my prosthetic legs they made me much taller than I'd ever been. I then remember the doctor saying 'we need to shorten this man' and we all were in hysterics.