Dave Barry Quotes

I always thought when I hit 50 years old that'd be it for the travel. I don't have to tell you - you wait at an airport, your flight's delayed, get on a 14-hour flight, get off, get stuck in traffic, you get to the hotel and the room service is closed.

The amount of hassle involved in travel can be overwhelming.

If I never saw another airport again, I'd be happy!

I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.

You couldn't get me to go travel around and sit in a hotel room again. I have no interest in doing that. So everybody's happy. I am, at 74. Some people like doing it, but I never was much for that, anyway. It's a lot of work. So the only thing I miss about all of it is the camaraderie of the tour, but that doesn't offset the rest of it.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, 'Bye!'

From a tourist's point of view, you finally have time to travel, but you need to spend your time looking after your child. Club Med takes care of the entire family.

I've never missed a flight. And I don't see any reason in cutting it close because airports are pleasurable for me: You can go to the restaurant, get a massage, browse books, sit at a bar, check emails.

I try to travel as light as possible to avoid baggage issues. Los Angeles airport is notorious for baggage delays, so I'll often FedEx a suitcase ahead or back so I don't need to stand around; it also minimises problems at check-in.

Why go through the hassle of running from airport to airport and you're still not getting anything done?

Flying commercial airlines has become an all-too-often unpleasant experience.

Flying is just such a hassle. If I had a million dollars, I would teleport.

I'm not the biggest fan of airports. I try to arrive a few minutes before check-in closes.

You never know what's going to happen en route to the airport or station and the last thing you want is to get there just as your train or plane is disappearing into the distance. Get there early, read a book, have a coffee and don't get stressed.

Anybody who has traveled with a significant other before knows it's tough.

Umm thanks for the phone. I think I already broke it.

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Jet lag is for amateurs.

I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going.