Chris Rock Quotes

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not.

People with problems are not problem people.

I just realized I have probably spent more time in a strip club than Rihanna has, and that is saying a lot because she goes a lot!

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."

They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.

Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.

Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"