Mitch Hedberg Quotes

The camera photographs what's there.

Let's make some funny pictures.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

One of these days, I'm going to publish a book of all the pictures I did not take. It is going to be a huge hit.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I have never taken a photograph without one thought in my head to amuse myself.

I wish my family had taken more pictures when I was growing up. Instead of always having to draw everything.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.

The camera is the eye of history.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

Every photograph is a certificate of presence.

I have yet to see a fine photograph which is not a good document.

The very idea of photography is as Oliver Wendell Holmes said in the 19th century, "it's a mirror with a memory."

Everybody does that now. We all take pics... you do the same with holiday photos. You record something to look back on it, even though you’re not really there when you’re taking the picture 'cause you’re too busy recording it; so you retrospectively go to look back on where you weren’t and tell yourself you had a good time.

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."

Two fat ladies, 88! Not that you'd find these ladies at a bingo hall, of course... they're altogether a higher class of fat lady.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

I threw the opening pitch at a Blue Jays game, and after the pitch, the mascot asked me if I wanted him to sign the game ball, which I thought was funny. What would he write? "Best Wishes, Some Guy in a Bird Suit"?"

A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.

We can look at people's faces in photographs with an intensity and intimacy that in life we normally only reserve for extreme emotional states - for a first look at someone we may sleep with, or a last look at someone we love.

If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.