Zach Galifianakis Quotes

I was like, what the hell is my life coming to? I'm a trained actor! I've done Shakespeare and here I am having farting contests with an imaginary dog!

I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not.

When I see old photos of me on the beach I don't look too bad... but it's hard trying to breathe in for such a long time when I spot the photographers!

It wasn't my finest hour. It wasn't even my finest hour and a half.

I can't be serious, apparently.

I enjoyed playing the other sports. I just sucked at them.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

I built you a sandcastle because you're a princess, but I tore it down because I'm a loser.

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.

I used to joke that I was trying to sell out, and nobody would buy me.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

I have a name,” I grumped, my stomach pinching me harder. “Yes, but it has no pizzazz. Ra-a-a-a-chel. Rach-e-e-e-eel,” he said, trying it out in different ways. “No one will tremble in terror at that. Oh my God!” he said in a high falsetto. “It’s Rachel! Run! Hide!

I bowled a 129... It was like the Special Olympics or something!

If you can really laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you're drunk.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

I picture my epitaph: 'Here lies Paul Newman, who died a failure because his eyes turned brown.

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

People seem to really enjoy laughing at me.

I used to play cello. My mother kept me out of school a whole year to study music and counterpoint. She thought I had ability, but I was absolutely without talent.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.