Dylan Moran Quotes

I look at old performance videos now, and it's really funny - I thought I was such a gangster!

I was voted funniest person in my middle-school yearbook. So I guess I was funny in middle school?

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a 'learning experience.' Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a 'learning experience.' It makes me feel less stupid.

Childhood is less clear to me than to many people: when it ended I turned my face away from it for no reason that I know about, certainly without the usual reason of unhappy memories. For many years that worried me, but then I discovered that the tales of former children are seldom to be trusted. Some people supply too many past victories or pleasures with which to comfort themselves, and other people cling to pains, real and imagined, to excuse what they have become.

There is no illusion so permanent as that which enables us to look backward with complacency; there is no mental process so deceptive as the comparing of recollections with realities.

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

The past is a palimpsest. Early memories are always obscured by accumulations of later knowledge.

Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

Oh, to be seventy again!

That which we remember is, more often than not, that which we would like to have been; or that which we hope to be. Thus our memory and our identity are ever at odds; our history ever a tale told by inattentive idealists.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.

People may correctly remember the events of twenty years ago (a remarkable feat), but who remembers his fears, his disgusts, his tone of voice? It is like trying to bring back the weather of that time.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

Photography has definitely been my favorite way to remember things. At least for me that’s how my brain processes things, of memories or moments - if I take a picture of it I can remember so many more details. I think it’s about choosing the exact picture in my head that signifies or symbolizes a moment - almost as if you’re using film. It’s almost archaic.

Not until I came to Canada did I realize that snow was a four-letter word.

I think my favorite thing is when people send me Instagram photos of people's yearbooks, and one guy will put "Are you calling me a liar?," and his friend will have "I ain't calling you a truther." And those are people's actual yearbook quotes. That's so amazing.

Progress is a continuing effort to make the things we eat, drink, and wear as good as they used to be.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

But when we are nostalgic, we take pictures

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?