Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

It's no secret that I wear a kippa.

I am the ultimate Jewish mother.

Ill give you an idea of how Jewish Mel Brooks is: Thats a nose job.

Boomer is ... Boomer. That pretty much tells you all you need to know

Yogi saw three of his players in the locker room wearing Cone Head hats. Yogi said, Those guys make a pair.

I got you plenty of hats at home, Vickie, what are you doing?

Put on your yarmulkahHere comes HannukahSo much funnukahTo celebrate Hannukah

Hat head is a sad affliction wherein the chosen hat and the selected hairstyle are grossly incompatible. The unfortunate combination results in a condition that can be hidden only with the application of another hat.

I think the sexiest thing is a hat. It's very sexy!

a woman is not really dressed unless she is wearing a hat.

Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

The great number of the Jews furnishes us with a sufficient cloud of witnesses that attest the truth of the Bible.

I played football.. my football was kosher.. no pigskin.

In Texas, if your name is Carlos, you're a Mexican. In Florida, you're a Cuban. In New York, you're a Puerto Rican. And I come here and I find out I'm an Eskimo.

It doesn't matter whether or not you have a head, you must wear the right sort of hat

I am a Jew. Those are four words of pride. My Jewishness is as deep as my genes.

The only reason I've ever had to wear a hat is to avoid skin cancer.

There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!

I'm not a very serious Jew. I don't wear the protective religious headgear. They only wear that because 40% of all religious thoughts escape through the head.

I think the good Lord is a Yankee.

Eleven on a scale of ten, honey, let me introduce you to my redneck friend.

So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox hat on he probably would have missed.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

This must be the legendary Yankee rudeness