Jimmy Carr Quotes

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I was starting to become impotent through this diet and couldn't perform. How many people who are taking the little blue pill, if they started to change what they are eating most of the time, could change the way their sex life is?

Medicare will pay for Viagra but they won’t for eyeglasses. They give you a hardon, but they won’t let you see where to put it.

The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

Clint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact. Never got a dinner!

Be not affronted at a joke. If one throw salt at thee, thou wilt receive no harm, unless thou art raw.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.

As I get older, all sorts of things become less funny. Once one has children, any cruelty involving children becomes far less amusing than when one was at the mercy of one's friends' and relatives' children.

Well, I actually tell my son that I don't have any hair because he asked me the same question that I gave it to him when he was born, so he actually still believes that. He's five years old.

We perhaps protect our pets better than our children.

You don’t play around with the lives of children.

There's no such thing as free love. Have you seen the price of Viagra?

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

Do you happen to have another Condom? I think I've discovered the cure for headaches.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

I think because I was a mother, it helped me feel comfortable that really my primary goal there was to save my kids.

Sometimes I wish that I hadn't learned how to crochet," I say, and Alice laughs. Obviously she thinks I'm joking, which is maybe for the best.

Oh, I don't know about that, Jericho. See, when it comes to the bedroom, The Game always came up a little bit... short.

And if the problem [with contraception] is promiscuity, then why does the immense popularity of Viagra go unchecked? Doesn't it make more sense to leave the bullets out of the gun than to try to avoid being shot? Especially when the gun is an old musket, and you have to clean it out and tamp down gunpowder, melt down scraps of lead and pour it into a mold, wait for it to cool - only to have it take forever to finally go off?

I love Viagra. I don't need it, but I tried it. It's a great legal drug.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'