Frank Carson Quotes

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Ireland sober is Ireland stiff.

God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Father Ted' was written by Irish people, so that was fine, but around the time we were shooting it 'EastEnders' went to Ireland and represented it as this terribly backward society where people were going around with one eye and drunk.

Whenever I was flying commercial, I would land in Chicago, and they would announce, 'Get your passports out.' It happened so often, I would walk to the front of the plane and say, 'You're looking for me. Just take me; it will be easier for everybody else.

I'm just an Irish biddy.

I would like to break out of this "dark, brooding" image, cause I'm actually not like that at all. In Ireland, brooding is a term we use for hens. A brooding hen is supposed to lay eggs. Everytime somebody says "He's dark and brooding" I think: "He's about to lay an egg".

The Irishman in English literature may be said to have been born with an apology in his mouth.

The French are useless. They can't organize a piss-up in a brewery.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people.

How much beer is in German intelligence?

The Irish are a fair people: They never speak well of one another.

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

Hey, have you heard that one about the difference between me, Wit, and my loutish cousin, Hilarity? No? Okay, so I walk into a bar, you see, very unassuming, and order a martini. Then the bartender, Hilarity, hauls off and squirts me in the face with a seltzer bottle, ruining my n ice new camel hair suit, dousing my monocle and my watch fob, soaking my cravat. So, do I let him have what for, and blow my top? I do not. I simply say: Sorry, I believe I said 'very dry'.

Nobody's safe, humor wise.

Apparently President Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, 'On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.'

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

It doesn't bother me when someone calls me a 'dumb blonde.' I'm neither dumb or blonde.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

A cowboy, a lawyer, and a mechanic watched Queen of the Damned,” I murmured. Warren—who had once, a long time ago, been a cowboy—snickered and wiggled his bare feet. “It could be the beginning of either a bad joke or a horror story.” “No,” said Kyle, the lawyer, whose head was propped up on my thigh. “If you want a horror story, you have to start out with a werewolf, his gorgeous lover, and a walker.

He rolled his eyes. "First, my Dad's Korean and my mom was Swedish. Second, I totally suck at math. I don't like cuckoo clocks or skiing or fancy chocolate either." I sputtered a laugh. "I think that's Swiss.

You just can't take yourself too seriously, especially in comedy.

Irish as a Paddy's pig.

Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I hear his jokes it reminds me to wipe my ass.