Groucho Marx Quotes

It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor.

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.

Dory is what Mum used to call a "strong-looking woman," which means that, from the back, she looked like a man, and, from the front, you preferred the back

Beulah has a husband?' I know. It's a miracle. There can't be more than two people on the planet who'd be willing to sleep with her, and here we are both in the same town.

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

If a woman is successful, she'd better duck, because they'll be out to get her.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

Men don't make passes at crones with big (rhymes with passes).

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans.

Why does Samuel Butler say, 'Wise men never say what they think of women'? Wise men never say anything else apparently.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

Women! Can't live with 'em, no resale value.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.

If I had a Boy Scout I could make a fire by rubbing his hind legs together.

My father was a history professor, and my mother a housewife—" She married a house?

Why is it that all cars are women?" he asked. "Because they're fussy and demanding," answered Zee. "Because if they were men, they'd sit around and complain instead of getting the job done," I told him.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.