Bill Hicks Quotes

Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.

Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us.

Women are like fingers and toes because they're easy to count on.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The most mediocre of males feels himself a demigod as compared with women.

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi looks in the mirror and sees a playboy of the old school. And men such as Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Charlie Sheen no doubt look at Berlusconi and think, 'Role model!' Women, of course, know otherwise. They see him as an aging, pathetic buffoon.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I had such a lack of respect for women that I just treated them as a hobby, trying to live up to the supposed image of Jack Nicholson and all those guys who were womanizers.

Men are objects to me.

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

Male comics are always coming up to me and they're like 'Hey Natasha. Don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' and I'm like 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

At heart, he could not abide sense in women: he liked to see them as silly, as light-headed, as vain, as open to ridicule as possible; because they were then in reality what he held them to be, and wished them to be,--inferior: toys to play with, to amuse a vacant hour and to be thrown away.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Jim Pagliaroni joined the club tonight and is going to be a welcome addition. He was describing a girl that one of the ballplayers had been out with and said, “It's hard to say exactly what she looked like. She was kind of Joe Torre with tits.” This joke can only be explained with a picture of Joe Torre. But I'm not sure any exist. He dissolves camera lenses.

Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'

When I talk to a man, I can always tell what he's thinking by where he is looking. If he is looking at my eyes, he is looking for intelligence. If he is looking at my mouth, he is looking for wisdom. But if he is looking anywhere else except my chest he's looking for another man.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

If so, I couldn't imagine how the opposite gender managed to get out of bed in the morning. They might be lovely to look at, but clear thinking wasn't their strong point.

An economist is a man who knows a hundred ways of making love but doesn't know any women.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I like to go to bars and bang really ugly girls, I just like to, I'm just a sick guy.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.