Sexual Humor Quotes

Anyone who tells you size doesn't matter has been seeing too many small knives.

I could get into bed with James Bond, then take my false leg off and it would really be a gun.

Many people believe the names of In 'n Out and Steak 'n Shake perfectly describe the contrast in bedroom techniques between the coast and the heartland.

I'm ambidextrous, I slap ass with both hands.

You don't gossip while your man is driving. You sit there quietly until you're about 5 minutes from your destination then you say, would you like some road head?

I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

In your thirties, you're much more comfortable with sex. First of all, sex is something you've done more. You know you can have sex just to have sex; you can have sex with friends; you can have sex with people you love; you can have sex with people you don't like, but the sex is good. And you can joke about sex much more.

Fat people are brilliant in bed. If I'm sitting on top of you, who's going to argue?

If I'm gonna commit suicide, I'll go out eatin' pussy to death.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

I scowled defensively. "My conversations don't usually include the subject of erections." "Too bad," he said. "All the best conversations do.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.

If I want low-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate. If I want high-impact aerobics, I'll masturbate again.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

I’m quite flirtatious with anyone. Some people, because I’m playing a gay character, get quite nervous. And I have to reassure them. I’m like, ‘I’m not gay. I’m not coming on to you. Yet.’

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

Here's the best birth control in the whole world, if you really, if you have no pills, if you have no diaphragm, if you have no other form of contraception. Use it for ladies, if he comes at you with that little thing in his hand, just laugh at it. They can't deal with it, OK, it'll be gone.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

One really understands testicles after reading 'The Family Jewels,' and one is gratified.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help.