Dave Barry Quotes

When you're on the subway in New York, people literally could be 11-inches away from you, and you can't just stare at them.

From our broadcasting box you can't see any grass at all. It is simply a carpet of humanity.

The last place you want to be is the UN building at 5 PM. You are endangered by the mass of people running out.

'Barsaat' was a wonderful experience, but it took a long time in the making, and that got very tedious.

There were eleven kids, and we all shared a bathroom. It was enough to drive us all insane.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

It might be hard to believe, but the air in prison is different. There's like one thousand people sucking on the one little piece of fresh air until it turns stale.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people.

On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."

I call my balls the bush twins.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

There is an ancient Celtic axiom that says 'Good people drink good beer.' Which is true, then as now. Just look around you in any public barroom and you will quickly see: Bad people drink bad beer. Think about it.

You gotta have the balls to go out there and be funny, man.

A few minutes ago, I had a hard time getting through the lobby because of all the people. After today, that won't be happening.

What beefsteak is to Argentina, flamenco to Spain, cool reserve and self-control in all situations to an Englishman, what vodka is to a Russian and beer to a Bavarian, what money is to a Swiss, that is outdoor-life to an Australian. It is a noble mania, better than vodka, better than cool reserve, better than money.

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend?

In recent years, perhaps encouraged by competition from McDonald's, the British hamburger has become a credit to the nation. At the time of which I speak, it looked like a scorched beer-coaster or a tenderized disc brake.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?

It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife.

The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Isn't beer the holy libation of sincerity? The potion that dispels all hypocrisy, any charade of fine manners? The drink that does nothing worse than incite its fans to urinate in all innocence, to gain weight in all frankness?