Whitney Cummings Quotes

What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

Unfortunately, once I did learn to smoke, I couldn't stop. I escalated to two packs a day very quickly, and stayed that way for about ten years. When I decided to stop, I adopted the method that my father had used when he quit. He would carry a cigarette in his shirt pocket, and every time he felt like smoking, he would pull out the cigarette and confront it: "Who stronger? You? Me?" Always the answer was the same: "I stronger." Back the cigarette would go, until the next craving. It worked for him, and it worked for me.

Muti is going to do the Alpine Symphony this year. He will do it well because it is not very well known.

Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

I thought I was supposed to have a fake six-pack in this scene

I think all this talk about age is foolish. Every time I'm one year older, everyone else is too.

The ball is an essential part of the game.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Biologically, I'm 10. Chronologically, I'm 33. In hockey years, I'm 66.

I make people laugh for a living. I believe I can say objectively that what I do I do as well as anybody. Just say I'm one of the best broken field runners that ever lived. For 35 years I was a cult hero, an underground funny.

One year I was given a birthday present I'll never forget - a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver.

Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.

A ball bat is a wondrous weapon.

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.

Yes it's her husband. She hasn't got over it. Died thirty years ago.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

My age now, like my age 20 years ago, marks the year in which I was born. That's all.

Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

You hear a lot of people, they turn 40 and it really bugs them and they get depressed or whatever. I don't know - I just don't feel that way. I feel 19 years old all the time. I mean, it's not a lie. I could easily say, God, I feel 70. Or maybe I seem like I'm 70 or 200 or something to other people, I don't know. My brain feels 19 all the time. And that's a good spot.

Steve Kerr, now coaching Golden State after eight tumultuous and very inconsistent years at TNT.

I had to wait 110 years to become famous. I wanted to enjoy it as long as possible.

The balls used in top class games are generally smaller than those used in others.