Michael O'Keefe Quotes

I was scrolling through my Twitter feed one day, and somebody had tweeted me a picture of Justin Bieber that had been Photoshopped with makeup or something. And I thought it was funny and so I hit retweet - I just retweeted a tweet - and all of a sudden, the remarks were coming in.

The hilarity or brilliance of a forwarded link is inversely proportional to the number of people it's sent to.

I like when I tweet about Tony Hawk. A lot of times, people think it's true; like, I've tweeted about having lunch with him a lot, and people are like, 'Oh, how was he?' or, like, 'Do you have a pic?' I don't know how to explain it. He's right at the level where people could almost believe it, but it's also a really weird pairing.

Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.

Hey @giseleofficial, I feel ya girl. #kidding #fakebaby #soymilk #shameless.

Yes, I'm the real Sammy Sosa, and this is my Pinterest.

Right," I scoffed, "Alpha Yam Ergo." Adrian nodded solemnly. "A very old and prestigious society." "I've never heard of them," said the girl who'd claimed the first shirt. "They don't let many people in," he said. In white paint, he wrote his fake fraternity's initials: AYE. "Isn't that what pirates say?" asked one of the girls. "Well, the Alpha Yams have nautical origins," he explained. To my horror he began painting a pirate skeleton riding a motorcycle. "Oh, no," I groaned. "Not the tattoo." "It's our logo," he said.

New Year's resolution: To refrain from saying witty, unkind things, unless they are really witty and irreparably damaging.

...maybe the world needs a cadre of smartasses to liven things up, who knows?

Way, way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the Internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.

You know how I feel about love. It was invented to sell wedding cakes. And vacations to Waikiki.

This medal (the National Book Award) together with my American Express card, will identify me worldwide ... except at Bloomingdale's.

Normally, I don't recommend me for wedding dresses – they all get a divorce.

I want to thank everyone for believing in me, even though I only have 27,000 Instagram followers.

There's enough people that do unfunny music. I'll leave the serious stuff to Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline.

I could find David Beckham naked in a cardboard box on my doorstep and I would drop him off at the pound.

Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food, and few things in the world are more wearying than a sarcastic attitude towards life.

One of my rules is, if Jesus or Taylor [Swift] calls, I take the call.

I would say probably Paris [Hilton]. Because to me that's her in character and she kind was always sort of winking at the camera. There was satire I think involved in what she was doing. I like to think there was.

It's a good thing I've got to live with you two or I'd be putting this on YouTube later. And mocking you

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

I hate weddings,' she says. 'They make me feel so unmarried. Actually, even brushing my teeth makes me feel unmarried.

I don't really hashtag things. Unless I'm talking to somebody and I'm being funny and I say something mean but then I'm like, Hashtag...something that's funny. I like to only hashtag funny things, not real stuff.

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.