Demetri Martin Quotes

I'm a ladies' man who can never make love. I'm resigned to that.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail. You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.

A healthy sex life. Best thing in the world for a woman's voice.

If I don't have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches.

Every guy knows he can find a girl who is simply satisfied with satisfying him. They are much more turned on by a woman who cares about her own pleasure as well.

Sex is great, if you are in a relationship. Otherwise, I find sex actually not so interesting. Without a relationship it is confusing.

Sex accounts for about 40 percent of your relationship, but if it's bad, then it's 60.

When a man's making love, the last thing he thinks about is war.

I was... 15? And Garry Marshall, who had many, many seasons in the sun and a very long career, was in the middle of the brightest of all his seasons - I think he owned network television - and it was his next thing, and he was directing [Mean Jeans ]. And I thought, "If there's anyone who can bring comedy out of a designer jeans shop, it's gotta be Garry."

Good sex isn't just fun, it keeps us sane and happy. Having sex with someone makes us feel wanted, alive and potent.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Ever since I discovered that my god given male member was going to give me no peace, I decided to give it no rest in return.

No sex is better than bad sex.

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

It's refreshing, honestly, to be able to have more intellectual conversations about sex and the meaning of sex, and intimacy and what that means in relationships. As a person in the world, it's on your mind. It's a part of your life, after a certain age until you're dead. So, to be able to examine it in a different way is really fulfilling.

Civilized people cannot fully satisfy their sexual instinct without love.

[On sex:] ... the total deprivation of it produces irritability.

I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

How do you know when you're finished making love?

The best sex I have ever had was with my vibrator.

I'm not asexual. I'm arelationshipal.

I'm looking to be the next comedy mogul.