Paul Reiser Quotes

Sleep when your baby sleeps. Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless.

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.

For the first few months, I was a comically inept parent. The first night home from the hospital, I held her bare body against my bare chest until a friend who was a doctor came by and asked what I was doing, and told me to put some clothes on that baby.

One of the most important things to remember about infant care is: don't change diapers in midstream.

Does any new parent, even if you're not a first-time parent, ever really know what to do?

I want to speak directly to the audience, to say, 'I'm like you - I'm frustrated, I'm not an expert, I don't have a manual on parenting, I make mistakes, I'm selfish too.'

Before you have a baby, friends tell you 'sleep now,' and you laugh because you don't think that all those stories could be true. But they are.

There's some people that are 24 hours with the baby and it doesn't make a difference. They could be anywhere.

When my baby was born I had to know how to save her in case she fell in the pool or something like that. I went to one of these nursing places to learn how to take care of the child.

There's a Drunk Midget in My House Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

She pulled down the blanket and aimed baby Sophie's bottom at him like she might unleash a fusillade of weapons-grade poopage such as the guileless Beta Male had never seen.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

The best parenting advice I ever got was from a labor nurse who told me the following: 1. After your baby gets here, the dog will just be a dog. 2. The terrible twos last through age three. 3. Never ask your child an open-ended question, such as "Do you want to go to bed now?" You won't want to hear the answer, believe me. "Do you want me to carry you upstairs, or do you want to walk upstairs to go to bed?" That way, you get the outcome you want and they feel empowered.

Crying babies are like good intentions: Both should be carried out immediately!

Baby girl, Cross is a tsunami.

Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.

An imaginary baby is so much easier than a real baby. No diapers to change.

There is nothing like waking up at six in the morning and changing a baby's nappy to bring you face to face with life's reality.

Babies in silk hats playing with dynamite.

Give an average baby a fair chance, and if it doesn't do something it oughtn't to a doctor should be called in at once.

You lay your hand against his skin and just rib his back. Blow into his ear. Press that baby up against your own skin and walk outside with him, where the night air will sourround him, and moonlight fall on his face. Whistle, maybe. Dance. Hum. Pray. (how to calm a crying baby)

Time to heal our women, be real to our women. And if we don't, then we'll have a race of babies, that hate the ladies that make the babies.