Josh McDermitt Quotes

For most of my 20s, I looked like I was 12. Now that I'm pushing 40, I guess I look closer to... 15? It must be my macrobiotic diet. Oh, wait, except that I don't have one of those.

I think my speeches are hilarious. I think I'm a natural comedian, but I like denying people the chance to laugh. I want to deny you the relief of the punchline.

Dressing up, for me, is looking like an idiot.

People say I look so happy - and I say, 'That's the Botox.'

Comedy is only funny when there's real pain.

Me and the Rock do look a lot alike, and we're a similar build - that was a joke, by the way.

If you set the attractiveness bar really low, people have to compliment you on your looks when they meet you in person. I'm pretty much a genius. I'm actually applying to work at the Genius Bar based on this trick.

Never had a mullet.

Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I am in perfect health, and hear it said I look better than ever I did in my life, which is one of those lies one is always glad to hear.

For a 6-foot-3 guy with no hair and a whiny voice, I've done all right.

I snorted "oh, beauty. What's that good for?" Mary stared, her eyes round. "It won you the prince, did it not?" I snorted again, I prefer to think that he was captivated by my charming personality." I giggled to let Mary know I was trying to make fun of myself.

I did, however, manage to do it without hurting those dogs. Very considerate of me. Don't let it be said I'm not an animal lover-that wretched kitsune aside.

Well...you're a martyr and I'm a patron saint-I can't think of anyone better!

If I were blind, I'd wear a blindfold all the time.

I was born modest; not all over, but in spots.

The s - t I put on Instagram, in a lot of ways, I'm making fun of what it actually is. Some of the things I put on there are absolutely ridiculous because parts of my life are absolutely ridiculous.

Oh! This'll impress you - I'm actually in the Abnormal Psychology textbook. Obviously my family is so proud. Keep in mind though, I'm a PEZ dispenser and I'm in the abnormal Psychology textbook. Who says you can't have it all?

Now when I have to remember a date, all I have to do is consult my rap sheet.

You're a terrible cook, Daniel." "I know," he replied, "But it's the effort that counts." "I hope that's not the slogan for your dental practice.

I love pity parties. I wish I'd brought hats.

I ran like a cheetah - well, like a cheetah that smoked too much.

Thank God for wisecracks.

I'm in shape, but only if you consider a circle a shape.