Tina Fey Quotes

He told himself that he would have to start reading thicker books: they lasted longer, and made more comfortable pillows.

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

Don't give me books for Christmas; I already have a book.

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

To those who ask if I have read their book, I reply: I have not yet read Homer.

What readers ask nowadays in a book is that it should improve, instruct and elevate. This book wouldn't elevate a cow. I cannot conscientiously recommend it for any useful purposes whatever. All I can suggest is that when you get tired of reading "the best hundred books," you may take this for half an hour. It will be a change.

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

I could do without 'cool' publications calling me 'mom jazz.' But I laughed all the way to the bank, baby.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

You may invite the entire 35th Division to your wedding if you want to. I guess it's going to be yours as well as mine. We might as well have the church full while we are at it.

I'm thinking my next book should be set on a tropical island, which will obviously require days, even weeks of meticulous research, but I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. That's just the sort of dedicated writer I am.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

I was raised a Calvinist. You might think you know what that means, but let me explain it the way my mother preached it to my three sisters and me back when we were at home: 'I buy my girls Calvin Klein clothes, so that's all they know. Then, when they graduate from college, they have to figure out how to pay for them themselves.'

I love Dickens because it makes me chuckle to myself so. He has taken me to another world and out of so many earthly miseries.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

When my husband tells our daughter, 'You get that trait from Mom,' she lights up with pride. We all know who he's talking about. And it's not me. I'm fine with this.

I would really like to be reborn as my wife, Bhavana, because people keep telling her that she has got a beautiful husband.

Remember, despite the fact that this book is being sold as a 'fantasy' novel, you must take all of the things it says extremely seriously, as they are quite important, are in no way silly, and always make sense. Rutabaga.

Not very good, I am afraid. But now really, do not you think Udolpho the nicest book in the world?" "The nicest—by which I suppose you mean the neatest. That must depend upon the binding.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I watch some kids ask the cafeteria ladies to sign their books. What do they write: "Hope your chicken patties never bleed?" Or, maybe, "May your Jell-O always wiggle?

My son, your ineptitude is so vast, your incompetence so profound, that I am certain you are inhabited by greater power than I have ever known.