Rita Rudner Quotes

Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."

Reality continues to ruin my life.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

People are like, 'How did you get so funny?' And I'm like, 'Wait, am I funny?'

I'm pretty funny on my own.

In my head, if I don't get a shot at Chelsea, personally, I think I will have failed.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'M sick and tired of hearing about me.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

This may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I'm talking about.. when I'm talking about myself, and when he's talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.

Another day gone and no jokes.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Those who suffer from an exaggerated sense of their own ability and accomplishment are continually subject to frustration, disappointment, and rage when reality intrudes and the world doesn't validate their idealized view of themselves.

Coleman Jacoby and Arnie Rosen won an Emmy and Mel Brooks didn't! Niezsche was right! There is no God! There is no God!

Where the hell are the singing cats?

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

If you are patient...and wait long enough...Nothing will happen

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I was like, what the hell is my life coming to? I'm a trained actor! I've done Shakespeare and here I am having farting contests with an imaginary dog!

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code... he turned himself in.

My father has a high opinion of his opinion