Chelsea Handler Quotes

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

No one was more shocked or angry than I was when we didn't find the weapons. I had a sickening feeling every time I thought about it. I still do.

The more I watch politicians in action, it just makes me angry.

I knew it... I'm surrounded by assholes!

There's nothing worse than being disappointed in somebody.

I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you.

Damn the sword! When Virginia wanted a sword, I gave her one. Now she sends me a toy! I require bread!

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I am furious about everything.

There are a few things that make me angry. Mostly things not going my way.

A word to the wise is infuriating.

There's a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn't nice, but grumpy is funny.

God, George Bush makes me want to slash my wrists. He's so embarrassing I have to leave the room when he's on the news. What a monkey.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

I resented that my career wasn't going the way that it was supposed to. And I was angry that I wasn't getting the parts that I wanted.

I'm a little angry in life.

Evil lurks where disappointment lodges.

I used to think that nails-down-a-chalkboard was the worst sound in the world. Then I moved on to people-eating-cereal-on-the-phone. But only this week did I stumble across the rightful winner: it's the sound of a baggage carousel coming to a grinding halt, having reunited every passenger on your flight with their luggage, except for you.

So, I understand when they make a mistake and everyone at home is throwing their shoe at the television set.

What hurt most were the people who came up to me and said they lost $1,000 on me. It just makes you mad.

It hurts when you're always doing your best for your club, and then you hear that you might be going to Tottenham.

Let me be clear: I am sick of having to criticise the club which I gave my life to as a footballer.

There's always something to rage about, right?

I met Bush but we didn't talk at all. To tell you the truth, I was too pissed.