Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

I don't have to write jokes. I don't have to write insults. If you ask the man of the hour in the hot seat, my mere existence is clearly insult enough.

Adam Carolla is like Hitler if Hitler wasn’t funny.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness.

Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

You live your comedic life close to the edge, you're gonna cross the line and offend people.

Nobody's safe, humor wise.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!

I was kind of a Rickles comic to begin with. I was caustic, and I was abusive and mean to the audience.

Stand-up comedy is a raunchy profession.

Ego is hilarious - especially the vanity of a comedian. As soon as you see one start worrying about how cool he is or about how many stadiums he can fill, he stops being funny.

I'll invent a lie. Ricky Gervais has done anything interesting since 'The Office'. There's a lie right there.

I was assaulted twice by Aisleyne Horgan Wallace and Janice Dickinson.

I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes.

There are a lot of comedians that were bullied and picked on, and that's why they became comedians. Survival of the fittest.

The mother-in-laws themselves weren't natural jokes but most comedians used to use that.

I like LA because it has a giant supply of great comedians.

Go to humorous events at comedy clubs and watch laughable movies.

My father came back one day and forced my mother to submit to him. He raped her, holding a knife.

I think comedy in the last 5-7 years is as good as it's ever been in America. I like it when people push it. You go through periods where people did not push the envelope. The more you push it, the funnier you get.

Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.

I make a lot of jokes about vegetarians in my act but most of them don't have the strength to protest.

I had great affection for Dana Carvey, and I think we all thought, "Dana's the guy. There's the comic genius."

I guess I like people doing roasts in public. That's my thing.

I'm not afraid to take on somebody or say something that somebody will find offensive because unfortunately in comedy, you can't say anything really good without offending somebody.

When I'm interviewed on Leno, just be funny, period. That's all they want from me. I don't want to tell my life story.