Daniel Tosh Quotes

Oh, I can't play soccer, and I'm not a great swimmer. I won't drown, but you won't see me doing laps in a pool.

I played a lot of football, and I was a goalkeeper, but I didn't really like playing in goal.

As a little kid, I wasn't even interested in football. The first time I played, I was nine, and I volunteered to go in goal, thinking it would be exciting to save penalties. In fact, it was really boring.

I can play in any position except goalkeeper.

Breastroke is an athletic event, butterfly is a political statement.

Swimming is more than a once-every-four-years sport. My goal is to bring attention to swimming - to give it some personality.

In sixth grade, some kid was being inappropriate with a girl. I said he better stop. Next thing were fighting. Then were at the principals office. I got just as much punishment as he did, even though I felt I did the right thing.

Either you came in here a swimmer or you'd better be a really fast learner

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

Any open net was an unforgivable crime meriting immediate punishment, and [Di Stefano] carried out the sentence by stabbing at it like a mischievous elf.

I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

Soccer is what I grew up doing - it's my passion, and I'm way more comfortable on the field in my soccer cleats.

Hockey is its own game. It's completely different than all the other games, although it's getting way too close to soccer.

That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms, that's 360 virgins.

You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when your kids were born.

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

When the initial little impulse comes it just tends to come. I wake up in the middle of the night, or I'll be swimming in the pool with my kids and just think, "Can't forget that one." Then there's the more organized side of the brain, which is when I choose to work on them. I've learned through a bunch of mentors how to demarcate the different times for your writing process. I keep multiple projects going at once and there's a time when no matter what you're doing, you have to stop and write it because it's coming.

I always bring my kids vacation souvenirs printed in Comic Sans, so they know I love them but not unconditionally.

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

Football is the best, is the biggest sport in the world.

I know American football. I know a little bit about soccer. I know baseball, I know basketball. But, rugby is a foreign language.

A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries?

Football isn't a contact sport; it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.