George Carlin Quotes

First name: Mister; middle name: period; last name T.

My name is Arsenio. That's a very unique name for a black man. In Greek, it means Leroy.

Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.

Feel free to call me by my first name: Master.

What should we call him?" Klaus asked. "You should call him Dr. Montgomery," Mr. Poe replied, "unless he tells you to call him Montgomery. Both his first and last names are Montgomery, so it doesn't make much difference." "His name is Montgomery Montgomery?" Klaus said, smiling. "Yes, and I'm sure he's very sensitive about that, so don't ridicule him," Mr. Poe said, coughing again into his handkerchief.

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

I'm a real pawn-shopper.

Unicorns," I said. "Very dangerous. You go first.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

Obstreperous, ‘huh,” said Tad. “I see you’ve been using that Big Word of the Day calendar I got you last Christmas.” “That is irrefragable,” I told him solemnly.

Does it give you déjà voodoo how alike the houses are?" "That's déjà vu, and I hate you right now

No," I replied testily. "I'm pretty sure 'digital' is Latin for 'fingeral,' so finger cancer equals digital cancer. This is all basic anatomy, Dr. Roland." The Dr. Roland told me that he thought I was overreacting, and the "fingeral" wasn't even a real word. Then I told him that I though he was underreacting, probably because he's embarrassed that he doesn't know how Latin works. Then he claimed that "underrecating" isn't a word either. The man has a terrible bedside manner.

You know what FSU stands for, don't you? Free Shoes University.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Physical fitness is in. I recently had a physical fit myself.

All he said was, "Here, have your dinfast. Then we can start packing." "Dinfast," Nick repeated. "Dinner and breakfast!" Alan said triumphantly. "Like brunch." Nick subjected him to a long, judgemental stare. "There's something very wrong with you," he said at last. "I thought you should know.

Benedict Cumberbatch is not only the best name in show business, it's also the response you get when you ask John Travolta to pronounce Ben Affleck.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

There's a hell of a distance between wisecracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words.

Alexander Graham Bell was the first person to ever sarcastically say hello. Hellooo, I invented the telephone!