Daniel Handler Quotes

First name: Mister; middle name: period; last name T.

Everybody's funny in different ways.

I've always thought that a name says a lot about a person. So naturally, being named Howard, I always wanted to crawl into a hole.

Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.

My favorite Aggie joke? I'm sorry I don't understand the question

My name is immaterial,' she said. That's a pretty name,' said Rincewind.

Ben Hur, who said to his sister Ben Him, We'd better swap names before they start calling me Ben Gay! Never got a dinner!

Feel free to call me by my first name: Master.

How long have you been a Wiccan?' 'A what?' 'A pagan. A witch.' 'I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.' Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?' 'Wizard has a Z' He looked at me blankly. 'No one appreciates me.' I muttered.

Christian! His parents had nine months to to think of a name, and the best they came up with was Christian!? My parents had nine months and they didn't call me Jew!

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

It's nice to see you again, Laura." "Thank you, Mrs. T-" "No, no, no. Please, my name is-" "Mud," I suggested. "Mud Barfbag Taylor. Call her Asshat for short." ~Laura, Antonia, Betsy

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Is that clear?" said Borcht "as clear as pea soup" I said

Oh thank you, Jesus." "It's Roarke." He tapped a finger on Eve's head. "You really shouldn't forget your own husband's name.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I never met a soul in this world as normal as me.

"And we'll call you... hmmm. Pudge." "Huh?" "Pudge," the Colonel said. "Because you're skinny. It's called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let's go get some cigarettes and start this year off right."

Do they always flirt with biblical quotes?" Asil asked Tad. In long-suffering tones, Tad said, "They can flirt with the periodic table or a restaurant menu. We've learned to live with it. Get a room you guys."

Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II...Fifty children! What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I... don't.

A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.

As a comedian, I think we all look for those areas where the truth diverts from what people are saying. That's why politics is such a rich area for us, because politicians make promises, and they don't keep them, and when we point out the difference, we get the laugh.

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.