Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Writing scripts is a laborious job that can be a real pain.

I was hired to do this one great script called 'Cap'n Ricky' and that project is up in the air at the moment.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

You have to write a lot of scripts to get any scripts that are worth making.

When you have a good script you're almost in more trouble than when you have a terrible script.

My scripts, they're pretty serious. I basically just describe stuff. I don't put too many notes and letters to the editors. But when I wrote 'KGBLT,' in parentheses I wrote, 'Well this is the best thing I've ever written. It will all be downhill from here. I'm so sorry for the rest of my career.'

I've written pilots. I wrote a movie.

When I finally finished writing 'Sisters,' I started getting hired for lots of rewrites.

I like scripts. I spend a lot of time writing them.

I avoid listening to too many people's comments about my script. I have learned to take in what is of use. It's too frustrating looking at somebody's notes who didn't get what you were doing. If somebody says, 'This stinks, and here are all the reasons,' that's not going to help you.

Whenever I hear the narration for a new film, I have this process back home where my mother reads all my scripts.

I just want to work on good scripts.

I usually just do, like, studio jobs, re-writes and stuff.

I started out working as a script editor and storyliner.

I never approach an actor till I have finished the script.

Usually, I write my scripts first, then think of the actors, or I have a reference of someone.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

The best point of my novels, I think, is their humor. I want to keep many my works humorous.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.