Mitch Hedberg Quotes

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.