Margaret Smith Quotes

If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you, father.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'

Let's face it, when is it actually ever funny to joke about hitting someone? Never, right? The threat to give someone a slap, no matter how you look at it, is aggressive.

...Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me." "You don't know that." "Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

Your dad would stake me out to freeze if I let you fall and hurt yourself." He offered me his arm, which I latched onto gratefully. "He wouldn't stake you out," I panted as we forced our way through the hard top layer of snow that was almost thigh deep. "He'd just shoot you." "Well that's a comfort.

What if there's a fire?" Glenna said sweetly, and Cian merely smiled. "Then I guess you'd better open a window, and fly.

Unicorns," I said. "Very dangerous. You go first.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

You here to finish me off, Sweetheart?

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

You are a sick, sick man,” I told him. “Thank you,” Ben replied, looking modest.

Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.