Dana Carvey Quotes

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed; I never knew they worked.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Always say 'no pun intended' to draw attention to the intended pun.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

There is a single entendre, but I don't know about a triple one.

It is quite possible for the vulgar to be funny, but to succeed, it must rise to a certain genius.

Puns are the droppings of soaring wits.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

Sometimes a witticism has no truth behind it.

Only the pun remains. The pun, beloved of Shakespeare, children and tabloid headline-writers, is normally eschewed in the modern, sophisticated circles in which I move.

Puns are a form of humor with words.

I'm a terrible punster. And I love to rhyme. I just can't help myself.

I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way.

Plus, I love comic writing. Nothing satisfies me more than finding a funny way to phrase something.

The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.

I think the humor of double puns is incredible.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

The funniest line in English is 'Get it?' When you say that, everyone chortles.

Wit is the epitaph of an emotion.

I've always been very upfront about the way I write, and I've always used the tools humorists use, such as exaggeration.

A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

The pun exists in a social and political void, caring nothing for the issues of its day, content merely to display itself in its small cleverness.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.