Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Didn't we talk about this?" "HAIL!" "That isn't an answer." I planted my hands on my hips. "Was there a reason for shoving the gummy bears off the counter? Did they tell you they were suicidal? On second thought," I raised a hand, palm out, "don't answer that. If the candy is talking, I don't want to know.

You get my point now? Coz before I thought you missed it. I'ma viagra triple shot, you just a limp bizkit. WORD LIFE.

Hey, T-Rex? Remind me next time I want to get smartass with you that it’s a really stupid move on my part? (Talon) Oh, no, you don’t, you wuss. You told me the next time you saw Ash you were going to ask him if he’d seen the movie 10,000 BC and if it’d made him homesick. (Wulf)

You tell that imperial bastard in Mississippi to keep out of Louisiana. Tell that son of a bitch that I am not just using an expression; I am referring to the circumstances of his birth.

I think they have not learned over the years that the more you talk, the more I will want to beat you.

When you are on the street, if someone walks towards you it's better to look down. But we were always looking at people in the eye to try to provoke something.

I think we need to have a little talk, woman to skank.

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

When Chong made to sit down next to her, Lilah drew her knife and stabbed the point into the earth between them. "I can see that you need some quiet time," he said and scuttled quickly away.

Why you don't wanna let him talk? You mad, you maaad, you maaaaad.

You stupid jackass," Ian said. "Who's got the crush on a worm, bro? You gonna call me stupid?

I was just trying to get his attention!" the man protested at the top of his lungs. "If he'da listened, I wouldn'ta had to bash him.

Hey!" I turned, crossing my arms and glaring. "I was talking to him!" Tybalt eyed me with amusement, which just made me glare harder. "No, you were inciting him to stab you with a toothpick. Again, the difference is small, but I think it matters.

You do know I am my father’s son, right? People don’t talk to me that way and live. (Syn) Oh, like I fear you. Never. Besides, a fight might dislodge whatever has crawled up your sphincter and bring back the much nicer version of you. (Shahara)

Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?

Over the years, during television interviews, whenever the host or the reviewer or whoever gets cynical and nasty with me, I will behave accordingly. I will defend myself.

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

Did Mad freakin' Max just call me irritating?

If you walk through life in a fighting pose with your fists balled up and ready to strike, someone, someday, somewhere, is going to want to test your mettle.

I was never a big guy in pubs. I was never the main kind of aggressor or anything like that, but I found myself in trouble because I always had a mouth that would come back with something, and there was just never anyone who could make me be quiet.

A close family member once offered his opinion that I exhibit the phone manners of a goat, then promptly withdrew the charge - out of fairness to goats.

Duran always disturbs me. The guy is just weird. Before our first fight, both Duran and his wife gave my wife the finger.

I'm just a regular guy, but if you cross me it will get physical.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.