Mitch Hedberg Quotes

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

Congratulstions on breaking my record. I always thought the record would stand until it was broken.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

I just happen to be a sucker for humor. So anywhere I can sneak in something that I find potentially interesting or funny I do it as much as I can get away with.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I welcome opposing viewpoints, but I should warn you that you'll be facing off against the 2nd-place finisher at the 1981 Charleston County High-School Debate Tournament. And whatever became of that county champ who argued in favor of tractor safety modifications? Last time I checked, she didn't have her own show.

Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.' 'And yet it is still extremely funny.

I've done a bit of Latin in my time...but I can control it.

The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.

I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky.

I reckon I am a smart aleck, but it is just a way to pass the time.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown?

And the kittykats would have to erect scaffolding and a pulley to get him down. Mind you, I wouldn't put that past them. Sometimes when they are behind the sofa supposedly purring, I think they are drilling.

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great.