Garry Shandling Quotes

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Remaining here might not be good for your health.

Yes, I was the one people credit with inventing the cell phone. Now, whenever anyone gets a dropped call, they blame me.

Don't be careful. You could hurt yourself.

Danger could be my middle name... But it's John.

And believe it or not, she has a phone and everything. She stopped using smoking signals last year.

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

My doctor told me I should get out of breath three times a week, so I took up smoking.

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

Strict seriousness was far more dangerous than any joke.

It would surpass the powers of a well man nowadays to take up his bed and walk, and I should certainly advise a sick one to lay down his bed and run.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

That one tickled. If electrocution is your way of flirting, I commend you on your originality.

And remember, the people that you've seen here tonight are professionals, so please don't try any of this at home, because you are ugly and hung like a hampster.

You okay?" "Fine." "Your heart's beating really fast." "Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it." He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff. "Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble." "You sound like Shane." "Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck." "Liar.

the announcement that you are going to tell a good story (and the chuckle that precedes it) is always a dangerous opening.

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

Never, never tell jokes about a man with easy access to weapons of mass destruction.

B looked down the shaft, at a metal ladder and darkness beyond. "Me first?" Of course. You're the apprentice, so you always go first into the unknown. If anyone's going to be eaten by a grue, it should be you." Tough job. But at least the hours are terrible.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

Aphorisms should be peaks - and those who are addressed, tall and lofty. The air thin and pure, danger near, and the spirit full of gay sarcasm: these go well together.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I am in perfect health, and hear it said I look better than ever I did in my life, which is one of those lies one is always glad to hear.

Probably? So you're asking me to trust my life to steel wool and peanut butter?" "Poisoned peanut butter." "Cal, I don't care if it's nuclear peanut butter.