Demetri Martin Quotes

When I get on a plane these days, I go first class.

Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

I always feel like an idiot every time I fly first class because I’m a kid. And I just sit there, and everyone’s got their newspapers and they’re on the computer, and I’m like, 'Can I get a coloring book, please? Can I get some crayons?'

I don't know why the players make such a big fuss about sitting in the first class section of the plane. Does that mean they'll get there faster?

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

Rich widows are the only secondhand goods that sell at first-class prices.

My motto has always been: Only first class business and that in a first class way

There's nothing funny about, 'Yeah, I took a First Class plane ticket and I went to some designer beach and made out with a Laotian slave girl.' Who cares?

Hit the ball up to the hole... You meet a better class of people up there.

It's just blind luck when a woman is born into a wealthy family and attends the best colleges and joins top sororities.

I suppose the difference between baby people and me is that I do not consider smiling while farting 'holding up your end of a conversation.

And just as I was climbing into that first-class seat, and wrapping myself in a blanket, just as I was adjusting my pillow behind my head, and having a sip of that champagne, and just as I was bringing down and adjusting my Thai purple sleep mask, I had an inkling. I had a flash. I suddenly thought I knew what it was that had killed Marilyn Monroe.

First-class travel, provided one hasn't to pay for it oneself, is the most insidiously addictive of life's luxuries.

Better to be a first-class matchbox than a second-class match.

For you cannot have gentility without paying for it.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

If you get a little gassy, you've got to let it go. So people used to say to me, 'You're like a whoopee cushion.'

The leisure class is one in which individuals have sufficient economic security and sufficient leisure to find opportunity for a variety of satisfactions in life.

You breathe better when you're rich.

Even if you're not enjoying the flight, it's futile to threaten to get out and walk.

Think first class about everyone around you, and you'll receive first-class results in return.

I don't how anybody taller than 6-4 can sit in those seats. And the airline executives don't give a damn 'cause they never walk back there in the first place. I don't fly first class because I have a lot of money. I do it because I need the room.