Roald Dahl Quotes

Flatulence peaks twice a day... five hours after lunch and five hours after dinner.

I am in the habit, like most British people, of holding the door open for people. But in the U.S., people don't understand it. You get odd looks or doors slammed in your face.

I can make the best fart noises. I can make, like, 10 different sounds at different levels.

Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

How come I can pick my ears but not my nose?

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

If you get a little gassy, you've got to let it go. So people used to say to me, 'You're like a whoopee cushion.'

Your job today is to pass gas. You do that and we can start feeding you liquids. No fart, no food.

You know what, I think maybe it's because men like to fart, and the host wants to be able to sit in his writers' room and just pass gas freely. Me, I'm a lady. I'm dainty. I know to get up and leave the room and go to my office.

Farts come from no one and nowhere; they are anonymous emanations that belong to the group as a whole, and even when every person in the room can point to the culprit, the only sane course of action is denial.

A person who can break wind is not dead.

I don't usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

Hey there.' I cleared my throat. 'How are you?' I'm engaged!' Incidentally, this is an unacceptable answer to that question.

Any girl who was a lady would not even think of having such a good time that she did not remember to hang on to her jewelry.

Politeness does not always inspire goodness, equity, complaisance, and gratitude; it gives at least the appearance of these qualities, and makes man appear outwardly, as he should be within.

Please don't think me negligent or rude. I am both, in effect, of course, but please don't think me either.

profanity and obscenity entitle people who don't want unpleasant information to close their ears and eyes to you.

Curiosity and courtesy are very often at variance.

Sleep not when others speak, sit not when others stand, speak not when you should hold your peace, walk not when others stop.

The average person expels flatulence 15 times each day!

My behavior is nonetheless, deplorable. Unfortunately, I'm quite prone to such bouts of deplorability--take for instance, my fondness for reading books at the dinner table.

Telling a lie is called wrong. Telling the truth is called right. Except when telling the truth is called bad manners and telling a lie is called polite.

All well bred persons lie - Besides, you are a woman; you must never speak what you think.